Canned Unicorn Meat

When my shipment of unicorn meat from RADIANT FARMS finally arrived, I prepared the fragrant pate as a maki roll, wrapped in seaweed and spread over some sushi rice, with a little unagi sauce on top. This had been a staple during WWII when spam was standard issue in Hawaii, and it was how my cousins used to prepare it. Ah, the memories. I even had a half carafe of cold, unfiltered sake to pair with it.

Unfortunately, I found this unicorn meat brand to be quite similar to spam, both in texture and blandness. I'd been hoping for that zestier kick that comes from the rump cuts of other mythical and fantastical creatures, such as griffins or centaurs (for the latter, serve only the back half of the creature with guests, or it gets awkward).

Apparently, as Dateline recently reported, "farmed" unicorns are force-fed mostly genetically modified grains, rather than their natural diet of skittles and ecstasy pills. California in fact is ready to ban the practice and sale of such meat by referendum. Moreover, certain European countries were caught mixing in regular horse meat (yes, disgusting) so you never really know how pure the unicorn is.

I say stick with fresh. I highly recommend TOM RIDDLE brand unicorn steaks, which arrive still oozing restorative blood. Ground into patties, they make a great burger.

Do NOT eat too much of this stuff at once. I had the rainbow runs for a week. The entire complex smelled like hopes and dreams.

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Of course this isn't as good as fresh, but who has time to hunt unicorns these days?

I'm a busy professional so I don't have the luxury of just grabbing my bow and quiver and spending days in the high glens hunting fresh 'corn. This product allows me to come home from a hectic day and enjoy a meal packed with that special nutrition only unicorn can provide. I even keep a few cans at the office for those late nights.

But seriously, this is a great, funny and 'tasteful' gag gift. We received ours from a relative last Christmas and as it was unwrapped everyone burst out in laughter when we saw what it was. The unicorn meat comes in a Spam-shaped can, complete with funny but realistic product information on the side labels.

This gift was enjoyable enough as it was, but then my wife pointed out that the can lid can be pried off to reveal plush unicorn 'parts' inside. Very clever and a great deal of fun for the price. I'm going to be giving a few out to co-workers this Christmas.

One last note: I don't think this gift would be appropriate for small children due to the small stuffed parts as they might be a choking hazard.

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Don't order this product if you have a conscience. The unicorns in the industrial unicorn farms live in appalling conditions, in many cases worse than those of the pegasus ranches. Don't believe the propaganda of Lisa Frank and the other tycoons of big unicorn; all that awaits these poor creatures is the abattoir and the rainbow factory. Be ethical and buy (kosher) dragon meat instead.

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This is more of an explanation to why I rated this the way I did. How fun is it? Extremely fun if you get it for your mother who happens to be a Unicorn fanatic and then make her open the present for the first time in front of the entire family. Educational value is more for the reciever, if the reciever once gave you Neil Diamond albums for christmas when you were 16 and you were expecting something that sucked much less. Durability is also at the hands of the reciever, especially when the Unicorn fanatical of a mum wants to throw it at your head. Overall this toy brought everyone in my family a great teary eyed moment of ROFL. Thank you Think Geek, for giving me the best revenge tool money can buy!

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